Drowning

Before we go into this, I would advise my family members to not read this. For your own good really. Also, if you go ahead despite my warnings, we shall not speak of this, ever.

Hi.

Been a long while since I posted here. Been a while since I posted anywhere that wasn’t my WhatsApp status or my Instagram story and even those have been quite infrequent, compared to them days. I have no excuse. But I also don’t have any motivation to continue posting anywhere because somewhere deep down, I’m convinced that nobody cares. This is a vulnerable post and if you’re seeing this that means the side of me that wants to share in some hope of finding help won the battle. I’m also more likely to post this because people don’t read blogs anymore and the likelihood of anyone reading this is very slim. So…

As the title connotes, I’m drowning. I’ve had an ‘interesting’ couple of months. Interesting to say the least. I really thought my life was heading somewhere at the beginning of last year; I was ready to change my career (if you’re my colleague, pretend you didn’t see this), I was going to record music (and I did!) and I was making new friends. But midway through the year, things started looking strange. By August 2022, I was already knee-deep in these murky waters. I’ve had differing levels of drowning. Sometimes, I seem fine. Sometimes, it’s very clear that I’m losing it.

Why am I drowning? I wish I knew. Well, I kind of know. But most of these are problems I’ve always had, why is this time different? I don’t know where my career is heading, I’ve never known really but this time around, the lack of certainty is causing serious levels of distress. A second differentiating factor this time around would probably be the fact that I am over working. I’m over having a job. Again, if you’re my colleague or boss, pretend you didn’t see this. After 3 years of pouring my life like oil for Corporate Nigeria (weird, people usually say Corporate America, lol), I have reached the stage of burnout. And no, taking leave days hasn’t solved the problem. I just want to go for a while without having to work. But I’m not sure I can afford that luxury. For one, I like having money. I really do. Another issue is that everyone around me will think I’m mad if I quit working. But am I not on the brink of insanity as it is?

Then, there’s the part that I don’t know. Because surely, it can’t just be my dissatisfaction with the direction of my career that’s making me drown. Maybe if someone opens my head up, they’d see some screws missing. Who knows? That could be the explanation.

I’m over life in general. It’s a scary thing to admit, probably scarier for whoever is reading this. Don’t worry, I hopefully won’t do anything stupid because I’m also a very big chicken.

I can hear the hypothetical person asking, “How far your relationship with God? Shouldn’t you as a Christian not suffer these things?” Well, that’s a long story. God and I are in a better place now. A way better place sef. But I don’t know. Earlier this evening, I felt like God was telling me that I am pushing him away. I won’t say that I am pushing him away, at least not intentionally. But addressing how I feel with anybody is not really my favourite thing to do.

Speaking of addressing how I feel, I feel like I’m burdening the people around me with my ‘issues’. To be honest, I’ve barely opened up. I’ve tried to but only a few people really know what’s happening. I think anyone that pays attention should be able to see that I am drowning but maybe I’m a better actor than I give myself credit for. High-functioning drowner. But yeah, I feel like the people that know are over me drowning and honestly, who would blame them? Even me sef, I’m tired of all this. So, I’ve decided not to bother anyone again because everyone is going through things.

I’ve considered therapy. I almost booked a session but I chickened out. Also, the thought of having to process my emotions tires me. I do need help sha. Not sure how that help would come. I thought that talking to God would be the help I need, and maybe it is, but it’s not yielded the results I expect. Another reason I’m wary about therapy because, what if it doesn’t work?

Anyway, that’s it. Pray for me, at the very least, if you see this.