Angry with God.

I know. It's been a while since I posted anything.

As you can tell from the title, this is about to get real.

I shared a little about this on Instagram but I can’t even begin to explain how tough June was for my family, and for me. Maybe one day I’ll speak about it, or maybe not. Most of it is not really my story to tell. All I can say is that there was a death and other lives were hanging on a balance.

Once all of these things started happening, I put my relationship with God on a hold. I just could not spend time with the person I was angry with. To be honest, I wasn’t really angry, I was disappointed. Because I prayed. I prayed that death wouldn’t happen. My neighbours probably heard my wailings and ‘kabashings’. I asked my friends to pray with me as well. My whole family was also praying. But death still happened. The funniest thing was that I was so sure death wouldn’t happen. I was so sure. I felt peace, so I thought my prayers had been answered. Alas, how wrong was I.

This disappointment and the drama that ensued brought to the surface the previous disappointments I have faced in my life and how I felt like God would keep on disappointing me. Usually, when people go through things like this, they start questioning whether God is as powerful as He really claims to be. But for me, I knew He was/is powerful. I wholeheartedly believe that God can do anything because I have seen His mighty power displayed in the lives of other people and even in my life. My problem was whether He was willing to do it for me. And the fact that death happened even though I prayed against it just reinforced my belief that God was able but wasn’t willing to do it for me.

I would have been able to bury this feeling of disappointment and move on with my life as usual if not for the fact that other lives were hanging on the balance and I couldn't just accept another disappointment. Every single moment, I was haunted with the thought of losing more of my loved ones. And because of this, I could not lose hope as I could not imagine my life without the people I loved.

So this was me in the month of June struggling between hope and hopelessness. Struggling with trying to believe that God was able and willing and being faced with the reality of my disappointment.

Funny that just a month prior, I had joined a prayer group called Upper Room and I felt like I was changing. My relationship with God was growing steadily. Bible studies were a hit back to back and I was enjoying spending time with God every moment of the day. Then this happened. I kept on getting a nudge in my spirit that all of this was meant to distract me and I should stay focused on God. But I just couldn’t. I tried to but I couldn’t.

This explains why I was not blogging anymore. How could I talk about God with my chest when I was so disappointed?

Although things are not terrible as they were before, I’m not sure I have overcome this feeling of disappointment. Worse yet is the fact that I am still struggling to believe that God is willing to do things for me, because if He is, why did death happen?

Honestly, my aim for this blogpost was not to make anyone doubt God or not believe in Him. But I’ve realised that my journey to deep intimacy with God started with doubts. I’ll share those very soon.

As for my current belief problem, I know God is working on that and helping me. We are slowly picking up the pace from where we left off. And as much as I would have loved to stay angry with God, He is so cute. The way He woos me blows my mind really. He is always chasing after me relentlessly.

He is also running after you relentlessly.