Doubts and Uncertainties

I hate to admit this, but my relationship with God usually has a cycle that repeats itself over and over again. At first, I am excited about God and actively pursuing intimacy with Him. Then, I’d get tired and stop trying as much. It goes downhill from there. After a lot of disobedience and running away from God, I get frustrated with myself and turn back to God and I’m intimate with Him until the cycle unfortunately repeats itself.

I have honestly tried to break this cycle. I even thought that the lockdown and working from home had given me the opportunity to do this. And for a while, I was consistent. I was always praying, doing bible studies, singing and having worship sessions. Then June happened and I stopped being consistent but I rationalised that. I told myself that it was because of all the chaos in my life. And it really was because in July, everything went back to normal. Until I fell off the waggon again. This time though, I was afraid that I’d never come back to God.

The thing is that I ask God a lot of questions; questions about things I am unsure of in His word, questions about life, and questions on why things are the way they are. If most people heard the questions I ask, they’d think I was on the verge of leaving God. Some may even class my questions as blasphemy, lol. But it’s really just me being curious and God has actually answered most of the questions I’ve asked.

Recently, I found a channel on YouTube that was speaking about these same things - not being afraid to ask questions and the likes. The owner of the channel was a Christian and I felt like I finally found someone that thinks like me and wasn’t afraid to question things. However, as I continued watching his videos, I found out he became agnostic and left Christianity.

This scared me. I started believing that since I could relate to the way the owner of the channel thought, I would end up leaving Christianity like he did. I remembered the so-called ‘prophecy’ of some ‘pastor’ saying that I would leave Christianity and my fear intensified some more. I've mentioned this in quite a number of these blogpost, but I haven't really spoken about the despair it brought. I used to think I was irredeemable and I would definitely end up in hell because of the pastor's 'prophecy'.

You see, I had asked God a question recently. The answer to that question could make me pack my load and go because I wouldn’t be able to convince myself that Jesus was the way again and I would end up being agnostic. I was afraid that no answer to this question could satisfy me enough to stay with God. This brought back the despair I used to have.

One day though, I remembered the first answer I got when I started asking these kinds of questions. The answer was Isaiah 55:8-9 (NLT):

“‘My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,’ says the Lord, ‘And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.’”

As much as this answer looks like a ‘cop-out' on God’s part, we can’t fully explain Him or the things He does or else He wouldn’t be God. There are some things we may never fully understand. He ended up giving me a ‘more satisfactory’ answer to the question that led to the Isaiah 55:8-9 answer later on. However, I believe He gave me Isaiah 55:8-9 because it’s the foundation of all the answers to the questions I ask. If I cannot fully explain myself, how much more God.

I am still waiting for an answer to the question I asked. However, whatever the answer is, I am going nowhere and this is because I have not missed out on anything because of my relationship with God. Rather my life has only gotten better with God in it. I actually analysed this one day. My relationship with God has never brought me grief, rather I enjoy high levels of peace and joy.

As I came back to God after this whole episode, God reminded me that He is the one holding me and even though I fall, I’ll fall right back into His arms. I want to stop falling though. I'm honestly tired of it. I probably have a problem with being disciplined but Jesus be a fence and a front door.

While I was uncertain about my relationship with God, there were other uncertainties plaguing my life. I am currently undergoing my NYSC year in one of the best jobs in Nigeria for a lawyer. But NYSC is coming to an end and I have no idea whether I’d be retained or whether I wouldn’t have a job by the end of this year. I’m not sure I have even done anything that would ensure that I keep that job and the uncertainty is stressing me out.

However, God keeps reminding me of where I’m coming from and how I did not get that job on my own. I have no idea where my life is heading, but I trust that God will take me where I need to be. Hopefully, I’ll still have a good paying job by the end of this year.

If you can relate to anything I said in this blogpost, just know that God is holding you and will guide you on this path of life.