Existential Crisis-ish

I’m about to be extremely vulnerable here and while I’m scared of exposing myself out here, it’s not like anyone would read it. And that’s my problem.

In case you’re new here, hi, my name is Nsikan, and I am having an existential crisis.

So, I’m not exactly sure I should call this an existential crisis because I’m not sure what this is, but I’ve been struggling with this for a while.

On Christmas Day 2020, I woke up feeling heavy. I was not actively taking stock of the year, but I ended up doing it subconsciously. A little background, I’m a lawyer and I have one of the best jobs available to a lawyer in a Nigerian law firm. I’m extremely grateful for my job and how God led me down this path because I never in a million years envisioned this.

However, while I am extremely grateful for my job, like I said, I didn’t envision this because this was not part of my plans for my life. Growing up, if anyone asked me what I wanted to be in future, my first response would be a musician. I love music and I’m extremely passionate about it. I taught myself how to play the guitar and the keyboard (although I’m still amateur level for both) and I enjoy singing. In fact, I have a very nice voice, if I do say so myself.

Because I’ve always had an ear for music and I got some prophecies along the music line, I thought I’d end up as a musician. Well, it’s not as if my life is over, but you get the drift. However, as I grew, I realised that making it in the music industry is not an easy thing and I never wanted to hate my passion, so pursuing a career in law looked like a good idea.

Anyway, enough with the background no one asked for. I started releasing videos of me singing and playing an instrument in 2019 after I got a bit comfortable with playing the guitar and at first, I got great reactions. Maybe not great great, but people interacted with what I put out. As time went on though, interest waned. And it got to me. It shouldn’t have, but it really did.

For the past 2 years, I’ve been convincing myself that God was hiding me from the public so that I’d have the space to develop my roots in Him and I was certain that the hiding period was over in 2020. And it looked that way at the beginning as well. I sang in public for the first time in a while, I also started this blog which my friends were supporting me on, and I was just receiving prophecies left right centre about the great things God has in store for me.

But that didn’t happen. Rather, people just lost interest, even my friends.

I’ve always considered myself to be a wallflower and invisible because no one ever notices me. When I joined my current church, no one exactly cared or followed up. I’m still invisible there anyway. No one notices me. This was fine until it started happening with the people I called friends. I know I’m not entitled to anything, but it doesn’t make it less painful.

Even this blog has proven to not be what I thought it would be. I began wondering whether God even sent me on this assignment that I’ve taken on. I could have jejely maintained myself tbh. It also does not help that Wix has a view count on each blog post, and I’ve not found a way to remove it. I’m faced with the fact that the content I put out is not beneficial to anybody.

Why am I saying all this? And is this really an existential crisis or I’m just seeking validation from places that can’t give me validation? Well, the existential crisis part is that I thought music would be something in my life now. I still want my job, but I also want music to be a thing for me. And yes, I’m actually seeking validation in places it can’t be found. I tell myself daily that the only validation I need is from Jesus, but head knowledge is different from my present reality. It still hurts when I put out content that no one is interested in.

This is why my next step literally makes no sense. I opened a podcast channel last year because I wanted to record an episode with my friend on the lessons we learnt during our NYSC year, and I’ve been toying with the idea of releasing raw recordings on the podcast platform. I know, it doesn’t make sense that I would want to put more content out there when no one cares about what I’m posting now. Well, I figured why not? I literally have nothing to lose and one of my friends actually accused me of not pushing my music.

Also, while it hurts when my content doesn’t get the attention I think it should be getting, I understand that I need to reach only one person and it’s fine if that one person is me. I actually questioned whether God sent me on this assignment I have given myself and while I am still not sure, I saw a post the other day saying that the world needs my voice. I’ve always been an advocate of telling your story and this is just another form of telling my story.

I was also inspired by Jamie Grace and her sister, Morgan Harper Nichols. I have actually received encouraging messages for almost every blogpost and that encourages me.

So, I’ll be releasing raw recordings of covers the way I like singing them. I may throw in a lesson or two in the podcast if I feel led.

I know that this blogpost was scattered and I’m sorry you had to read through all this. However, the probability of anyone actually reading this is quite low already, so…

Also, if you actually read the whole blogpost, please say a prayer for me, that I’d be totally comfortable with people ignoring me.

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Hiya! Future Nsikan here.

I wrote (more like typed) this post in the beginning of 2021 when I felt so lost. I am doing better now and as you may know, I have already started the podcast. And while I have gone through a whole lot regarding the number of plays on the podcast, I am on a journey to contentment with Jesus as my everything. I am now more okay with people ignoring the content because I trust that He who sent me will share the content with who He asked me to create it for.

I decided to release this because it’s very vulnerable and we could all use some vulnerability in our lives. Also, if you are struggling with the burden of supposed failed dreams and not knowing where you are heading in life, I hope this post encourages you. I call God the Extraordinary Strategist (thank you Mercy Chinwo) because He has a plan for us all and His plans are the best, better than anything you could ever imagine. The next blog post would speak on this some more. Anyway, thank you for reading this blog post. I love you and God loves you more.