Healing

Two things about me:

1. I like to form hard guy.

2. I like to think that I am private about most things in my life. But I really am not.

Although I may share almost everything about my life, heartbreak is not something you'd hear me talk about because – number 1. However, there's healing and deliverance when testimonies are shared. So, here's my heartbreak to healing story.

Ps: I have also refrained from telling this story because I don't want the guy involved to feel important. But he was important to me then, I guess there's no point pretending.

At the end of 2018, I went through proper heartbreak for the first time. It wasn't the first time I had ended a relationship hurt, but this was the first time that I actually saw myself ending up with the guy. I guess I mourned the future we lost more than anything.

Before we broke up, the cracks were there and a normal person would have called off the relationship by then. But I kept hanging on although I was basically dating myself.

During this period, I was so bitter. My family couldn't even stand me. It didn't help that law school decided to post me to Yenagoa which was the opposite of what I wanted.

When we finally broke up, I was forming hard guy. I've cried because of a boy who was not worth my tears once, in secondary school, and after that, I swore to never waste tears on man again. And this worked for a while and I built so many walls in my heart. When I began my journey in intimacy with God, He pulled down all those walls and allowed me to give myself freely. But see where it got me to. So, I was ready to harden my heart all over again.

When the new year came along, I decided to focus on law school and this was working until I read a book – Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers. I had read the book before but this time it was different. I saw myself in the antagonist of the story and that is never a good thing. I saw how my actions (which were similar to the antagonist's actions) helped me bring my relationship to a quick end. This was the first time I was really examining myself and I didn't like what I saw.

I would cry almost every night when I read that book, seeing how flawed of a human I was. But as I cried, I could feel God's tangible presence. There's a beauty in brokenness. Psalms 34:18 (NLT)

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.

After Leota's Garden, I moved on to Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. I had also read this book but something in it hit me differently. My situation was quite different from the protagonist of the story, but I saw how God still loved me and chased after me regardless of my flawed self. God loved me in the flawed self that contributed to the end of my relationship. And the tears continued.

I remember when I was still forming hard guy before finaly accepting the fact that I was actually heartbroken, God told me that it was okay to cry. He told me that it's okay not to be okay and it didn't mean I was weak. He said that mourning my relationship did not give my ex power over me, rather, it brought me closer to Him. He made it clear that if I refused to acknowledge my emotions, my heart would harden again and all the work He had put in would be lost.

That was all I needed to hear and then I gave in. I actually enjoyed that period and that year. 2019 will forever be one of the high points in my life. I still think about that relationship once in a while. However, these days, it's from a place of gratitude that we didn't end up married. Also, gratitude for the journey to recovery that God took me through.

Do you also like to form hard guy and not acknowledge when you're heart it broken? It doesn't even have to be about a romantic relationship or relationships in general. Jesus is telling you it's okay to cry and He is with You. He will take you through this journey and you'll come out better. Just give yourself permission to feel the pain and go through the emotions with Jesus because running away does not solve anything. I love you and God loves you more.