Who Are You?

Who Am I?

If I were to answer this question honestly when I was a teenager, I would have said that I was that smart girl, who came from a rich home, who could sing, and who was spiritual. Those were what I hinged my identity on.

Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there and I'll tell you how God changed my identity. I know, that was cheesy. But, my life really got turned upside down.

The Smart One

I never struggled with my academics. Not even once. There was even an exam I got a perfect score in. It was a thing of pride for me. I thought to myself that, “At least, I have this going for me.” This was my story from the first memory I have of school. University was where it all changed. At the beginning of my University journey, I was on a partial scholarship as a reward for my grades. To continue with this scholarship, I was told that I needed to get a 60> (over 90) average. I was so sure I would be on that scholarship, and maybe even more for the rest of my University journey. That didn’t happen. First year wasn’t so bad. I mostly got 2:1 scores (except for contract law which was a pass) and I didn’t even read or pay attention that much, so I thought that by 2nd year, I would be getting first class scores. Lol. Everything went downhill from there. It’s still a miracle that I graduated with a 2:1.

This was the beginning of my identity struggles because if I wasn’t smart, then what was I? I felt ashamed because I was once the star girl. A year after I had graduated, I ran into 2 of my high school teachers. After the pleasantries, they asked what grade I graduated with and I told them. Here I was thinking that the 2:1 grade would impress them. Not at all. I could see the displeasure on their faces, if only they knew it should have been worse.

The Rich Kid

Admitting this is quite embarrassing to be honest, because who takes pride in having money? Apparently, the old Nsikan used to. This is also quite laughable because we weren’t even rich. I had anchored my identity on money that wasn’t even mine. Well, the money finished. There was literally nothing left.

From then on, my parents struggled to pay my fees and barely even had enough money for the upkeep of the family in general. My allowance kept reducing until I was living on ¼ of what my allowance was in first year. Those were hard days.

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It’s funny how these very big components of my identity were attacked at the same time. In hindsight, I realise God was being merciful towards me.

My time at the University was my first time away from God being shoved down my throat. This was the real test of whether my faith was mine or my parents’. Initially, I wanted to experience life without God. Maybe not that extreme, but I wanted to try out new things. I know I was excited to have my first clubbing experience (hated it) and my first real boyfriend (never happened). In my first year of University, I could literally count the number of times I bothered attending church. At some point, the only reason I went was so that I wouldn’t have to lie to my mum when she asked me if I went to church.

Then everything started crumbling and I had nowhere to turn. Suddenly, turning to God looked like a good option. I don’t think God caused my life to be turned upside down. But in His mercy, He turned it around for my good.

During those two years, God showed me how I had let the wrong things define me. It is definitely good to have good grades and to have money, but they should never be what I anchor my identity on. He reminded me of a song by Israel Houghton called Identity.

You are my father. You are my future, my destiny. You are my father. In you I find my identity. Tell me who I am. I can do all things if you say I can. Show me I am free, free to accomplish your plan for me.

God told me to look to Him as the source of my identity. And because God is my father and also the King of all kings, I am the Daughter of the King.

This was, unfortunately, not the end of my identity struggles. I still struggle with my identity now. The difference is that when I find myself in those situations now, I remind myself that I am the Daughter of the King, not just any king, the King of kings, Creator of the universe.

Who do you say you are?